My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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