he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
