dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
