you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
