I was born with a shot glass in my hand
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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