I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
