I'd wear matching sweaters with you
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
