i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize