I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
