We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
