my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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