no, he came in my armpit
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
