The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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