so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
