I am spending my child support on dildos
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
