The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
