you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
