I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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