so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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