So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize