3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize