Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
