are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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