saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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