hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
