I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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