that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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