fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
