giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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