FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
