Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
