Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
