Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
