If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
