The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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