I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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