too bad you live with your parents still
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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