I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
