Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My ATM looks so different sober.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
