I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
