There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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