My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
