Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
