I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
