I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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