I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
