I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
