Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
