How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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