By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
