You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
there is glitter all over my balls
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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