the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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