This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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