Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
