Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize