after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
